To Be Included...

I haven't written lately for a couple of reasons, one, is that I went back to work and I haven't had much time and two, so much has been going on, I can't keep up with it all!  There is a lot a can talk about, but I am going to spend sometime on the twins and the lessons they continue to teach me.

First off, Michael and Matthew continue to get stronger every day.  Watching there progression has been a site to behold.  Matthew is able to get up on his knees by himself and play.  That may sound like not a big achievement but, for him it is HUGE!  He has spent his life so far not having the strength to raise himself up.  The only time he has been able to sit up, is if someone sat him up.  Every time he does it, he is beaming.  He is so proud of himself and he should be.  He has to work hard to do the everyday things that I take for granted.  He does it with such joy.

Then there is the contrast, me.  I have been running and lifting weights in last month or so.  It has felt good, but, if I only had half the attitude that Matthew has, I would be doing so much better.  I complain when I'm running, "it's hard, it hurts, I don't want to".  Granted, I do feeling good when I'm done but, I certainly don't do it with joy.  I try to think about Matthew when I run. How much he would love to run around the backyard but can't yet.  How much I would love to see him run.  I watch Christopher run around the yard and sometimes my heart is sad because I would love to see the twins do that.  The twins aren't sad though, they are just happy to be outside and be included. 

Inclusion.  Isn't that what we all want, is to be included.  To be a part of something that gives us meaning.  To know that we are loved.  As a parent, you want so much for your children.  I think I put on them, especially the twins, what I think will make them happy and how they are not happy because they are not doing x,y,z...  I am learning that all they want is to be included.  The other week we took our family to a zoo up in GA.  It was a beautiful day and the kids were having a great time.  There was a slide that Michael wanted to go down.  He couldn't climb it so, my husband took him up. There were some kids trying to go on the slide as well.  They started telling my husband and Michael to hurry up and asking why my husband was on the slide.  He told them that Michael's legs were bad.  Then they continued to be pushy when Abigail was trying to sit with Michael to go down the slide with him.  When Mark first told me the story, I became Mommy the Protector, and thought, how could this kids be so rude!  I realized then that these kids probably have no experience with kids with disabilities.  What a blessing it is for our other three children to have such mercy and compassion at their young age.  I know I didn't have it when I was their age.   

I know I started in one place and the beginning of this and now I feel like I'm finishing in another.  The lessons that I have been learning through the lives of my children have been profound.  I feel like I'm getting to experience things in life that a lot of people don't; either because they haven't been touched by it in some way or they choose not to.  It isn't always easy (in fact it really hurts sometimes), and I know that there will be heartbreak a long the way but, there will also be JOY.  To be honest with myself, if I would have known the path that God had laid out before me, I would have went running the other way (and sometimes I still go running)!  All I can do and any of us can do is trust that God will always be with us, guiding us, loving us.  How would have Mary felt if she knew the path before her.  The heartbreak of her only Son being crucified and seeing him die.  If she would have known that and turned and run, she would have never experienced the joy of the resurrection. 

Don't feel sorry for us...

Many times since the twins have been born we have heard things like, "wow, your hands are full" or "I can't handle my 2, how do you handle 5?" Then if they find out the twins have cerebral palsy, most people don't know what to say or they say that they are sorry. I'll be honest, I used to be sorry too. I was sorry for myself. I would think how this could happen to us and how are we going to handle it. Will the twins ever have a "normal life"?

Michael and Matthew were born 8 weeks early in 2008 and spent 7 weeks in the NICU. Once they came home and grew we began to noticed that something was not right. They were not doing the things babies would do normally at their age. Since they were early, we knew they would be delayed but, by a year old they should be able to rollover but, they could not do that! A couple of months after their 1st birthday they were diagnosed with cerebral palsy (cp). We knew something was wrong, but this? This would be something they would have to live with for their whole lives. Hearing that was a hard blow.  Many thoughts filled my mind, "will they ever walk? or how will they survive in this world?" How did this happen and why wasn't it detected when they were at the hospital? 

As time as gone by, things have changed, I have changed.  I've gone from feeling sorry for myself and sorry for them to accepting them for who they are and how God made them.  They really are the most amazing boys I have ever seen.  They are so full of love and joy.  They have no idea that they have a disability.  Don't we all have disabilities though?  Some are just less noticeable on the outside then others.  What is also incredible is how their brothers and sister treat them.  They know nothing different except that the twins were born early and they don't walk yet and that is ok.  They take care of the twins and love them.  What a great lesson for Abigail, Daniel and Christopher to learn:  to accept their brothers for who they are, not what they can do physically.  What we can do physically doesn't and shouldn't define us.  Don't get me wrong, Michael and Matthew are determined little boys.  They are the hardest working boys I have ever seen and they don't give up!  I know I could use to learn that lesson from them.  I admire how brave they are!

I have come to realize how blessed we are to have them.  I still don't understand, nor will I probably ever understand why God would give us such a great blessing and responsibility.  There are days when I am unsure if I can handle it all.  God continues to provide, one day at a time and that is all I can do, is to trust in Him that he will see all of us through (because believe me, I'm blind as a bat!)

So, if you ever see us out, don't feel sorry for us; we don't.  In fact, if you do see us, we are all usually pretty happy and happiness is hard to find sometimes in this world.